Sorry about my last post - I'm in a better mood today, I think. Moving on.
At 30 weeks 6 days, I did my one-hour glucose test. (Why so late in the pregnancy? Your guess is as good as mine.) This was on a Friday. The following Monday, I got a phone call from my nurse saying I didn't do so well and that I needed to schedule a three-hour test at the lab. So I did.
The test was to be Wednesday (2 days later). I followed all the instructions - even the unbearable TOTAL fasting including WATER (which I later learned isn't the norm, but that was what my nurse told me to do) after midnight the night before. So I drag my fatigued, undernourished parched body to the lab Wednesday morning. They draw my blood, I chug the nasty drink in my 5-minute time limit, and am sent back out into the waiting room until the next blood draw. The problem is, I didn't make it to the next one. About 20 minutes into the test, I felt really nauseous and weak. I thought I would cheat a little bit and just sip from my bottle of water to feel better, and figured a couple ounces of water over 3 hours wouldn't make or break the test. But as soon as I bent down to get the water out of my bag, I had a problem. I ran (literally) to the back, looked for a bathroom, and proceeded to throw up before I was even able to get the door closed. I was having cold sweats, and felt terrible. I told the front desk clerk I had just thrown up my glucose drink and she said "I know, I just got off the phone with your nurse. She wants you to reschedule." and handed me a phone number.
So I spent the rest of the day trying to recover and called my nurse on Thursday. I explained to her how badly I felt during that test and asked for any alternatives. (sidenote: I'd already done some research on alternative testing methods and was prepared for a variety of options) However, she said that because we were so late in the pregnancy (NOT MY FAULT) that she was going to have to refer me to a gestational diabetes counselor. My first thought was, that sounds expensive. But I agreed and was told to wait for a phone call regarding my appointment.
The next Monday, now at 31 weeks 2 days, I get a call from my hospital. It's someone saying that I've been referred to them for the gestational diabetes CLASS and could I attend on Thursday, March 10? (which will put me at 33 weeks, 5 days.) Sure, I can attend. It's a 4 hour class with a 30 minute lunch break. But I ask her what I should be doing in the mean time to keep the potential situation under control. She stutters for a minute and I realize she's not a nurse. She does scheduling. I thank her for her time, and start reading online what I should be eating and how.
After hours of research, a relatively expensive grocery trip, and lots of agony and feeling like a slave to this body I'm not sure is even mine, I realize something. I MAY NOT have GD. I didn't fail the three-hour test. I just threw up nasty sugary stuff that I would throw up NOT pregnant on an empty stomach. And I was refused a re-test using an alternative method.
So what do I do, now? I've been trying to eat along the lines of the sample diets I found online for GD, but they're so limiting and I feel really stressed out seeing as how I haven't had (and am not set up to have) ANY one-on-one counseling, like I was thinking I might get. So I'm following someone ELSE'S GD diet and can only find a few sample menus, so I'm really having trouble guessing what's okay and what's not based on those. So last night, I was fed up with the confusion and the stress. And I ate pancakes. And aside from heartburn, which happens pretty much any time I eat anything, I felt fine. And this morning for breakfast, I had Cheerios. And for lunch I had McDonalds (not my first choice, but circumstances led me there since it's the closest and fastest place to grab lunch while I'm at work). And I feel fine! I guess I've fallen off the GD wagon... and I sort of feel justified since NOBODY told me what I needed to be doing between when I spoke with them and the counseling class.
I'm just so confused about what to do. So stressed about the diet and what's okay and what's not. So annoyed I'm not getting any one-on-one help and with the fact that they waited late in the game to test me, and so all this is being sort of rushed. Nobody has ever even told me my glucose levels, or suggested I test them on my own at home between meals to see what's going on for myself. Honestly, this is ridiculous and if I knew then what I know now, I would have requested to take the one-hour test earlier, and then if I failed, I would ask for alternatives to the traditional three-hour method in the very beginning, so that I could really be tested. I don't want to "assume" I have GD and feel this miserable about not knowing what I can and can't eat all the time for the next 4-8 weeks.
And do I even bother attending the class next Thursday? Luckily I have a doctor appointment on Monday and am going to express to him my frustrations and concerns and see what he has to say about it. Ugh.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Vent...
I know I haven't kept up with this - I kind of knew I wouldn't. But I need a place to vent anonymously.
I hate being pregnant. I haven't felt GOOD even one singular, full day. And now that I have a giant belly and my upper arms and thighs are bigger than they used to be, I feel like I'm trapped in some huge, painful, uncomfortable body and the only saving grace is this little girl is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hate when people, family and friends included, want to touch my belly. Or look at my belly and tell me how cute it is. It's NOT CUTE. I HATE IT. It makes me feel fat and uncomfortable and miserable. I hate that strangers want to tell me congratulations or to ask me if I know what I'm having. I HATE HATE HATE when people tell me "wow, you're due next month? It's gone by so fast!" Ha! No, it has NOT gone by fast when you feel exhausted all day every day, have incredible back pain and rib pain, and random vomiting throughout the last two thirds of the pregnancy.
Oh, and here's the best part. The unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice more than anything in the world. If I wanted to know what you thought I should eat or drink or do or buy, I would ask you. But I didn't, so don't tell me.
I'm just having a bad day and needed somewhere to go, anonymously, and get some of this out. Thank you for reading, if you did.
I hate being pregnant. I haven't felt GOOD even one singular, full day. And now that I have a giant belly and my upper arms and thighs are bigger than they used to be, I feel like I'm trapped in some huge, painful, uncomfortable body and the only saving grace is this little girl is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hate when people, family and friends included, want to touch my belly. Or look at my belly and tell me how cute it is. It's NOT CUTE. I HATE IT. It makes me feel fat and uncomfortable and miserable. I hate that strangers want to tell me congratulations or to ask me if I know what I'm having. I HATE HATE HATE when people tell me "wow, you're due next month? It's gone by so fast!" Ha! No, it has NOT gone by fast when you feel exhausted all day every day, have incredible back pain and rib pain, and random vomiting throughout the last two thirds of the pregnancy.
Oh, and here's the best part. The unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice more than anything in the world. If I wanted to know what you thought I should eat or drink or do or buy, I would ask you. But I didn't, so don't tell me.
I'm just having a bad day and needed somewhere to go, anonymously, and get some of this out. Thank you for reading, if you did.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Finally, some time to post.
Okay, I know it's been a while. But I didn't fail at blogging. I'm back in the saddle. Today, anyway.
I'm starting to get all kinds of little worries and concerns as I've passed my halfway mark and the reality of, "We're going to have a baby" is more and more pressing.
1. What is parenting going to do to our relationship?
Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I've been doing a LOT of thinking and reading lately, and instead of finding practical solutions to all of these things, I just become more and more concerned and end up with more and more questions. By the way - I would NOT advise reading "Babyproofing Your Marriage". I thought it was going to be a really helpful, really great book but I'm about halfway through it and I feel that it's more of a she-woman-man-haters club that thinks all men are the same and all women are the same and that we as women have to trick the men into being who we want them to be. I could actually write an entire negative review on this book, and I think I might if I can make myself finish it. *stepping off soapbox now*
Anyway, other than all of that - things are actually going pretty well. I'm anxiously awaiting a couple items to arrive in time for Christmas, but everything else is purchased, wrapped, and under the tree. With absolutely no debt, which is a beautiful thing. We've done the bulk of the registry and I just have some online things left to do as far as research and choosing brands and things. My goal as soon as the holidays are over is to start clearing out as much room as we can not only in the baby's room, but in other spare closets and areas too, because if I know our family and friends, we will need all the room we can make for shower gifts.
Which brings me to how blessed I feel right now. Even though becoming pregnant was not in MY plan or in SCOTT'S plan, it was in THE plan and we are surrounded by wonderful loving and supportive people who only want the best for us and our little gift, but who are willing to do whatever they can to assure we have it. She is already so loved by so many people, and I can only imagine what a happy baby and child she will surely be getting to bond with so many amazing people. Maybe this time of year makes me sappy, or maybe it's hormones - but I am undoubtedly the luckiest girl in the world.
I'm starting to get all kinds of little worries and concerns as I've passed my halfway mark and the reality of, "We're going to have a baby" is more and more pressing.
1. What is parenting going to do to our relationship?
- Will we honestly take the time to understand where the other person is coming from and try to put ourselves in their shoes during a disagreement?
- Will we make time to focus on us, meaning date nights, talking about something OTHER than the baby and work, and making sure we spend time with our friends as a couple without boring them about parent stuff?
- Will our sex life disappear, and will he resent me for it? And how is it even possible to feel sexy after working all day, trying to get the house relatively clean and then cleaning up baby goo all evening?
- Will the financial, emotional, mental and physical stress make us irritable and moody and not want to be around each other?
- I have this innate "I can do it myself" complex that I believe not only runs in my family, but may also have something to do with (mostly) being an only child. ((sidenote: I have a half-brother who didn't live with us but for a few years)). So when I can't do it all myself, how will I react?
- Similar to the above worry, I do NOT like asking for or accepting help. What's worse than that though, is receiving unsolicited advice, which I definitely see coming from family members (our mothers) - who will have the best of intentions - but will irritate me to no end with their "help" and "advice". What if I blow up at them?
- I honestly think that I will have a complete and total break-down if someone comes over to visit and the house is not straightened up, relatively clean and smelling nice. I know I'm nuts, but it's something that's genuinely very important to me. How in the world am I supposed to work (technically full-time but realistically I only work about 32-36 hours a week), be a loving girlfriend and mother, and keep the house in good-enough shape that if someone calls and wants to drop by, I don't freak out?
Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I've been doing a LOT of thinking and reading lately, and instead of finding practical solutions to all of these things, I just become more and more concerned and end up with more and more questions. By the way - I would NOT advise reading "Babyproofing Your Marriage". I thought it was going to be a really helpful, really great book but I'm about halfway through it and I feel that it's more of a she-woman-man-haters club that thinks all men are the same and all women are the same and that we as women have to trick the men into being who we want them to be. I could actually write an entire negative review on this book, and I think I might if I can make myself finish it. *stepping off soapbox now*
Anyway, other than all of that - things are actually going pretty well. I'm anxiously awaiting a couple items to arrive in time for Christmas, but everything else is purchased, wrapped, and under the tree. With absolutely no debt, which is a beautiful thing. We've done the bulk of the registry and I just have some online things left to do as far as research and choosing brands and things. My goal as soon as the holidays are over is to start clearing out as much room as we can not only in the baby's room, but in other spare closets and areas too, because if I know our family and friends, we will need all the room we can make for shower gifts.
Which brings me to how blessed I feel right now. Even though becoming pregnant was not in MY plan or in SCOTT'S plan, it was in THE plan and we are surrounded by wonderful loving and supportive people who only want the best for us and our little gift, but who are willing to do whatever they can to assure we have it. She is already so loved by so many people, and I can only imagine what a happy baby and child she will surely be getting to bond with so many amazing people. Maybe this time of year makes me sappy, or maybe it's hormones - but I am undoubtedly the luckiest girl in the world.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
And the Award Goes to...
ME, for being the most inconsistent blogger ever!
Well, the news is out - it's a girl! We found out a week ago, and spent the last couple evenings at Babies R Us registering for little girlie things. Registering is way harder than I thought it would or should be - it's difficult to choose among all of these little devices I don't know much about, and feel confident about it. We basically just went with our gut - tried to find the items that would give us the biggest bang for our buck, and over the next few days as I have spare time, I'll look up friends' registries who are having or just had babies and compare and edit my list.
Other than finding out the sex, everything has been pretty normal the last week. Lots of family and friend time over Thanksgiving, some delicious food, and now things are starting to get a little hectic with all the shopping and planning and holiday event attending. Hectic in a good way, though! I'm afriad Little One (still no name!) will be here too quickly - December is packed with holidays. January will be the "getting the room ready" month, along with probably a weekend trip somewhere for my birthday and maybe a shower. February will probably be much of the same - I imagine I'll have 2-3 showers, but I'm not sure. And then March and April will be all about getting ready for her to be here!
Not to mention the classes we need to register for and take at the hospital! Did any of you take classes at the hospital, and if so - do you feel they were worth your time and money?
Well, the news is out - it's a girl! We found out a week ago, and spent the last couple evenings at Babies R Us registering for little girlie things. Registering is way harder than I thought it would or should be - it's difficult to choose among all of these little devices I don't know much about, and feel confident about it. We basically just went with our gut - tried to find the items that would give us the biggest bang for our buck, and over the next few days as I have spare time, I'll look up friends' registries who are having or just had babies and compare and edit my list.
Other than finding out the sex, everything has been pretty normal the last week. Lots of family and friend time over Thanksgiving, some delicious food, and now things are starting to get a little hectic with all the shopping and planning and holiday event attending. Hectic in a good way, though! I'm afriad Little One (still no name!) will be here too quickly - December is packed with holidays. January will be the "getting the room ready" month, along with probably a weekend trip somewhere for my birthday and maybe a shower. February will probably be much of the same - I imagine I'll have 2-3 showers, but I'm not sure. And then March and April will be all about getting ready for her to be here!
Not to mention the classes we need to register for and take at the hospital! Did any of you take classes at the hospital, and if so - do you feel they were worth your time and money?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Getting on Board
My wonderful, amazing mom arranged for a cleaning company to send over two of their finest yesterday afternoon so that I don't feel overwhelmed by the amount of cooking and cleaning necessary to host next week's Friendsgiving - an event I foolishly decided I'd be up for hosting this year.
Now that the house is clean - that first layer of dirt that acquired over the last few months while I was laying around like a slug - has been removed. And I feel like a similar layer has been removed from my attitude. I wish more people (or ANY people) read this blog, because I would tell you all that I was going to promise you to spend at least 15 minutes a day doing something productive around my house, but since I really have no one to be accountable to here, I'll just tell you I really, really want to try.
I've been on and (mostly) off the FLYlady wagon for a few years, now. I think (insert title of blog here) now is as good a time as any to get back on track, get a good routine down for keeping the house clean and under control, and not letting it get out of hand. That way, when Baby comes to "ruin" all of that, at least I'll be in a good habit and will maybe be able to keep it up somewhat.
Speaking of baby coming - we find out next Wednesday - the day before Thanksgiving. I may have already told you that. But I can't decide if we should call our parents and tell them, or just tell EVERYONE together on the holiday. What are your thoughts?
Now that the house is clean - that first layer of dirt that acquired over the last few months while I was laying around like a slug - has been removed. And I feel like a similar layer has been removed from my attitude. I wish more people (or ANY people) read this blog, because I would tell you all that I was going to promise you to spend at least 15 minutes a day doing something productive around my house, but since I really have no one to be accountable to here, I'll just tell you I really, really want to try.
I've been on and (mostly) off the FLYlady wagon for a few years, now. I think (insert title of blog here) now is as good a time as any to get back on track, get a good routine down for keeping the house clean and under control, and not letting it get out of hand. That way, when Baby comes to "ruin" all of that, at least I'll be in a good habit and will maybe be able to keep it up somewhat.
Speaking of baby coming - we find out next Wednesday - the day before Thanksgiving. I may have already told you that. But I can't decide if we should call our parents and tell them, or just tell EVERYONE together on the holiday. What are your thoughts?
Monday, November 15, 2010
Marriage, Revisited
Well, another weekend came and went with no real accomplishments crossed off my list - only lots of time away from home doing other things and avoiding the list all together. I'm quickly running out of time before the holidays and before the baby to really knock some big items out.
I've been really down the last couple days. I'm not too sure why - hormones, I guess. But while thinking about anything and everything I could manage, I realize I lied to you guys. I'll correct that now.
I said that Scott and I could better focus our money and energy on baby stuff instead of worrying about marriage right now. But you know what? I want to get married. I want to be his wife. But because I'm the girl, I've got to wait until he decides something and buys a ring and bla bla bla. I mean - I know I don't HAVE to, but, it's what I will do.
Now don't get me wrong - I don't think buying a ring and paying for any kind of ceremony or reception is practical. But I'm a woman. A pregnant woman. And pregnant women have never been accused of being practical.
Anyway, I'm at work and can't type long but really wanted to clear the air on that subject. There's a lot more to it - like my stubborn nature NOT wanting to get married before the baby arrives just to spite some conservative family members, and so on and so forth. Maybe I'll come back to this again next time I'm stumped for what to write. For now, I apologize for the mood and the lackluster writing today. Maybe tomorrow will be better!
I've been really down the last couple days. I'm not too sure why - hormones, I guess. But while thinking about anything and everything I could manage, I realize I lied to you guys. I'll correct that now.
I said that Scott and I could better focus our money and energy on baby stuff instead of worrying about marriage right now. But you know what? I want to get married. I want to be his wife. But because I'm the girl, I've got to wait until he decides something and buys a ring and bla bla bla. I mean - I know I don't HAVE to, but, it's what I will do.
Now don't get me wrong - I don't think buying a ring and paying for any kind of ceremony or reception is practical. But I'm a woman. A pregnant woman. And pregnant women have never been accused of being practical.
Anyway, I'm at work and can't type long but really wanted to clear the air on that subject. There's a lot more to it - like my stubborn nature NOT wanting to get married before the baby arrives just to spite some conservative family members, and so on and so forth. Maybe I'll come back to this again next time I'm stumped for what to write. For now, I apologize for the mood and the lackluster writing today. Maybe tomorrow will be better!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Studying Up
This entry will probably be very short, because I'm not feeling very talkative today.
Over the weekend, my 15 week Avocado turned into a 16 week turnip, and Friday night something very strange happened. When I woke up Saturday morning, my stomach felt different - it felt like it was sticking out father, the "bump" was more defined, and it was a little harder. This baby making business is very strange - I'm just glad my body is doing what it's supposed to without my help, because my brain wouldn't have a CLUE where to begin.
Because of that, I've given up on reading books about pregnancy. I figure, if I need to know what's coming next or if what I'm going through is normal, I have resources, I know where to look. NOW, I'm trying to read up on "what to do after your body is done doing it's thing". So far I'm halfway through one "So you and your baby are home. Now what?" sort of book, and it's totally freaking me out. I'm learning things I never knew about babies, and it's making me wonder where in the crib I would have placed the baby, without having read that book? Would I have had a moment of panic when it was time to lay the baby down in the crib and I didn't know the "feet to foot and tuck in the blanket" rule?
So - what to do about this tiny person and its needs is my new focus. And then once I think I know enough about that to successfully wing it, I'll probably start reading about parenting - what to do once your kid is making conscious decisions to do things that require discipline (on occasion). Oh - not to mention I need to study up on baby sign language, which I think I'm interested in trying out.
Over the weekend, my 15 week Avocado turned into a 16 week turnip, and Friday night something very strange happened. When I woke up Saturday morning, my stomach felt different - it felt like it was sticking out father, the "bump" was more defined, and it was a little harder. This baby making business is very strange - I'm just glad my body is doing what it's supposed to without my help, because my brain wouldn't have a CLUE where to begin.
Because of that, I've given up on reading books about pregnancy. I figure, if I need to know what's coming next or if what I'm going through is normal, I have resources, I know where to look. NOW, I'm trying to read up on "what to do after your body is done doing it's thing". So far I'm halfway through one "So you and your baby are home. Now what?" sort of book, and it's totally freaking me out. I'm learning things I never knew about babies, and it's making me wonder where in the crib I would have placed the baby, without having read that book? Would I have had a moment of panic when it was time to lay the baby down in the crib and I didn't know the "feet to foot and tuck in the blanket" rule?
So - what to do about this tiny person and its needs is my new focus. And then once I think I know enough about that to successfully wing it, I'll probably start reading about parenting - what to do once your kid is making conscious decisions to do things that require discipline (on occasion). Oh - not to mention I need to study up on baby sign language, which I think I'm interested in trying out.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sex
No, not HAVING sex. The sex of the baby. Not knowing is driving me mad!
Scott swears up and down it's a girl. He had me briefly convinced - especially after one night last week when we dreamt on the same night about it being a girl. But last night I dreamt about it being a boy (and peeing everywhere).
The old wives' tales and urban legends are about 60/40 girl - not enough one direction or another to convince me. The doctor, upon timing the heart rate at 145 last visit - said that he thinks girl. But when I told him I thought that was a myth, he laughed and said it is - and to keep our receipts (meaning, don't buy girl stuff yet unless we can exchange it).
And names. As soon as we discussed names, we decided and agreed upon a boy name we both really like and haven't wavered a bit on the decision. For girl names - we have a middle name we want but can't decide on a first name at all. The name he loves is growing on me, but I'm not in love with it yet. So what does that mean? That it will be a boy since we had such an easy time picking a boy name, or that it will be a girl since we can't decide?
The suspense is killing me. I can't buy any baby stuff, I can't register, I can't call it by anything other than It (or Baby, or Little One, or this week - Avocado). We have a doctor appointment a week from today, at which point we will schedule the gender scan. Doc said, at our last visit, that the gender scan would be a couple weeks away from this next appointment. Exactly 2 weeks would put us at the day after Thanksgiving (and would put me at 19 weeks), so I'm reeeeaaaallly hoping we can do it the day BEFORE Thanksgiving so we can share the news with our families on the holiday! Otherwise, phone calls and e-mails will have to suffice, which isn't as fun.
Any great ideas on how to announce the sex once we know it?
Scott swears up and down it's a girl. He had me briefly convinced - especially after one night last week when we dreamt on the same night about it being a girl. But last night I dreamt about it being a boy (and peeing everywhere).
The old wives' tales and urban legends are about 60/40 girl - not enough one direction or another to convince me. The doctor, upon timing the heart rate at 145 last visit - said that he thinks girl. But when I told him I thought that was a myth, he laughed and said it is - and to keep our receipts (meaning, don't buy girl stuff yet unless we can exchange it).
And names. As soon as we discussed names, we decided and agreed upon a boy name we both really like and haven't wavered a bit on the decision. For girl names - we have a middle name we want but can't decide on a first name at all. The name he loves is growing on me, but I'm not in love with it yet. So what does that mean? That it will be a boy since we had such an easy time picking a boy name, or that it will be a girl since we can't decide?
The suspense is killing me. I can't buy any baby stuff, I can't register, I can't call it by anything other than It (or Baby, or Little One, or this week - Avocado). We have a doctor appointment a week from today, at which point we will schedule the gender scan. Doc said, at our last visit, that the gender scan would be a couple weeks away from this next appointment. Exactly 2 weeks would put us at the day after Thanksgiving (and would put me at 19 weeks), so I'm reeeeaaaallly hoping we can do it the day BEFORE Thanksgiving so we can share the news with our families on the holiday! Otherwise, phone calls and e-mails will have to suffice, which isn't as fun.
Any great ideas on how to announce the sex once we know it?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Money
Kids cost money. This is common knowledge. But kids cost a LOT of money - and mine is costing me just as much before it's born as it will after!
I was thinking about doing something (that I think is) really funny - adding up all the money the kid costs me through pregnancy and it's first 18 years, and then handing it a bill on it's 18th birthday. As a joke. (As an aside, I hate having to call the kid "it", but it should only be 2-3 more weeks, so let's overlook that for a short while.) So I started thinking what all would be on the bill. Like everyone, there are prenatal vitamins, extra munchies around the house, maternity clothes, books about pregnancy/chilbirth/parenting, and all sorts of things pregnant women tend to buy to feel more comfortable - things that ease nausea, things that make us smell good and feel pretty, etc.
Now let's talk about money that goes toward medical bills. For most people, this actually isn't a huge expense, because insurance picks up a big chunk. For me, not so much. See - Scott and I both have pretty good jobs and make pretty decent money. He has insurance through his job, and I don't through mine (but the benefits of my job far outweigh the lack of insurance, and it's not been an issue until pregnancy). Because of the fact we aren't destitute and we're not liars (which is something I could go on and on about regarding the Medicaid system but won't right now), we didn't qualify for Medicaid/government assistance of any kind. And I have to say, in a way I was flattered. It was kind of nice, for a brief moment, to know that according to the government we make plenty of money to handle our own affairs.
But then. We called the doctor's office (I chose to use the same OB that delivered me some nearly 26 years ago, and am so far thoroughly pleased with my choice) to inquire about cost, payment plans, and special kind of assistance we may qualify through them, etc. Of course they offer nothing special to people who don't have a ton of money, but we decided the $3900 due by 28th week was do-able enough. But then I had a sonogram on my first visit - my periods had always been very irregular so the sonogram was used to determine how far along I was at the time, and my estimated due date. Another $270. And then the blood work - once the bruise was gone, I thought nothing of it, until a bill came in for that. Another $400. So needless to say, I'm in no hurry to contact the hospital and find out their fees and payment plan options - I'm pretty sure this kid won't be paid for until it's old enough to get a job and pay for him/her self! (I'm only kidding, but it sure does feel that way right now!)
Luckily, as we discover every few days when someone presents us with yet another offer of "free stuff", that we have plenty of people who love us very much and are more than willing to pass along baby items they are no longer using. My wonderful mom took me out maternity clothes shopping weeks ago when the bloat got too bad to comfortably fit into my regular pants, and Scott's cousin is donating her maternity clothes for the time being, as well. One of Scott's sweet coworkers gave us a pair of baby baseball shoes (Scott LOVES baseball, so these were an incredibly sweet and appropriate gift) that her baby wore a time or two - and has offered her sister's breast pump (which seems slightly odd to me, but is greatly appreciated, and I know I can get replacement parts and register for one for a shower if it's just too weird). And of all things, my ex-boyfriend's brother - who is sometimes very nice and other times the biggest jerk in the world - called me to tell me congratulations and to tell me that if it's a boy, we are welcome to have ALL of their old stuff from their son (who is almost 3).
We are incredibly blessed, and I'm sure that we will find a way to pay for all the medical stuff and a way to get at least one reliable 4-door vehicle between the two of us... it's just stressful wondering HOW that will all fall into place. But I have no doubt that it will all be okay - because we are so loved and blessed, and things always seem to have a way of making themselves turn out fine.
I was thinking about doing something (that I think is) really funny - adding up all the money the kid costs me through pregnancy and it's first 18 years, and then handing it a bill on it's 18th birthday. As a joke. (As an aside, I hate having to call the kid "it", but it should only be 2-3 more weeks, so let's overlook that for a short while.) So I started thinking what all would be on the bill. Like everyone, there are prenatal vitamins, extra munchies around the house, maternity clothes, books about pregnancy/chilbirth/parenting, and all sorts of things pregnant women tend to buy to feel more comfortable - things that ease nausea, things that make us smell good and feel pretty, etc.
Now let's talk about money that goes toward medical bills. For most people, this actually isn't a huge expense, because insurance picks up a big chunk. For me, not so much. See - Scott and I both have pretty good jobs and make pretty decent money. He has insurance through his job, and I don't through mine (but the benefits of my job far outweigh the lack of insurance, and it's not been an issue until pregnancy). Because of the fact we aren't destitute and we're not liars (which is something I could go on and on about regarding the Medicaid system but won't right now), we didn't qualify for Medicaid/government assistance of any kind. And I have to say, in a way I was flattered. It was kind of nice, for a brief moment, to know that according to the government we make plenty of money to handle our own affairs.
But then. We called the doctor's office (I chose to use the same OB that delivered me some nearly 26 years ago, and am so far thoroughly pleased with my choice) to inquire about cost, payment plans, and special kind of assistance we may qualify through them, etc. Of course they offer nothing special to people who don't have a ton of money, but we decided the $3900 due by 28th week was do-able enough. But then I had a sonogram on my first visit - my periods had always been very irregular so the sonogram was used to determine how far along I was at the time, and my estimated due date. Another $270. And then the blood work - once the bruise was gone, I thought nothing of it, until a bill came in for that. Another $400. So needless to say, I'm in no hurry to contact the hospital and find out their fees and payment plan options - I'm pretty sure this kid won't be paid for until it's old enough to get a job and pay for him/her self! (I'm only kidding, but it sure does feel that way right now!)
Luckily, as we discover every few days when someone presents us with yet another offer of "free stuff", that we have plenty of people who love us very much and are more than willing to pass along baby items they are no longer using. My wonderful mom took me out maternity clothes shopping weeks ago when the bloat got too bad to comfortably fit into my regular pants, and Scott's cousin is donating her maternity clothes for the time being, as well. One of Scott's sweet coworkers gave us a pair of baby baseball shoes (Scott LOVES baseball, so these were an incredibly sweet and appropriate gift) that her baby wore a time or two - and has offered her sister's breast pump (which seems slightly odd to me, but is greatly appreciated, and I know I can get replacement parts and register for one for a shower if it's just too weird). And of all things, my ex-boyfriend's brother - who is sometimes very nice and other times the biggest jerk in the world - called me to tell me congratulations and to tell me that if it's a boy, we are welcome to have ALL of their old stuff from their son (who is almost 3).
We are incredibly blessed, and I'm sure that we will find a way to pay for all the medical stuff and a way to get at least one reliable 4-door vehicle between the two of us... it's just stressful wondering HOW that will all fall into place. But I have no doubt that it will all be okay - because we are so loved and blessed, and things always seem to have a way of making themselves turn out fine.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Everything Changes
Sometimes I find myself wondering what all will truly change once we become parents. There are the obvious things of course, like financial situations and overall priorities, schedules - but I'm starting to realize how much will truly change, at least for the next handful of years.
For instance - getting ready to go somewhere will not only be a difficult task, since Baby will need to be watched and/or entertained (if it's awake) - but also bathed and dressed and fed and changed. And then getting into the car to leave will not be such a simple task either - gotta haul out the carseat, and the diaper bag (which you've remembered to re-stock ahead of time). I'm thinking that a baby will add at least a couple hours into my routine, what with all the stopping in the middle of makeup and hair and getting dressed to do various motherly tasks and then getting Baby ready, as well.
In a way, I think it's a little lucky we're the first among our friends to have a baby and the first nearby of our parents' kids to have a baby - because everyone will want to hold it and play with it. This should make meal times with family and friends a little easier, since it won't all be on us to feed ourselves and feed Baby and keep Baby quiet and all that... but there's a line. At some point, our friends will wish we could all be hanging out without real responsibilities - and at some point, no matter how much we know our parents will love this child, they won't be remotely interested in helping feed or change the baby when we're all hanging out.
Scott and I went to his parents house on Saturday morning to carve pumpkins. What in the world will I do at times like that? I was elbows-deep in pumpkin guts, and so was everyone else. We were out in the garage, and it was sort of chilly. So do we leave Baby inside with a monitor, and then when it cries, just run in and wash our hands and take care of it? I have no idea. And what about parties? Our friends like to get together around once a month at someone's house and eat and drink and listen to music and be merry. Do we find a sitter that often and exhaust our babysitting resources that early in the game? Or do we take the baby with us and stash him or her in a bedroom and go check up on it every so often?
And don't even get me started on trips. Not only does Scott's family take a road trip to their cottage in Pennsylvania every July (2 full days in the car each way with a 3 month old?! No way.), but Scott and I had big dreams of long weekends and cruises that will have to wait quite a while, now. Don't get me wrong - I'm not upset about being pregnant, not one bit. I'm just wondering if I'm even beginning to cover the bases as far as what all will be different. The short and simple answer? "Everything." - but I'm afraid I'll neglect to think of something that will change, and be disappointed when it happens and I wasn't somehow mentally prepared. There I go again - always wanting a plan in a world of things that you can not plan for.
I finally have a couple followers - thanks, girls! Please comment and send your friends here, I need all the support I can get!
For instance - getting ready to go somewhere will not only be a difficult task, since Baby will need to be watched and/or entertained (if it's awake) - but also bathed and dressed and fed and changed. And then getting into the car to leave will not be such a simple task either - gotta haul out the carseat, and the diaper bag (which you've remembered to re-stock ahead of time). I'm thinking that a baby will add at least a couple hours into my routine, what with all the stopping in the middle of makeup and hair and getting dressed to do various motherly tasks and then getting Baby ready, as well.
In a way, I think it's a little lucky we're the first among our friends to have a baby and the first nearby of our parents' kids to have a baby - because everyone will want to hold it and play with it. This should make meal times with family and friends a little easier, since it won't all be on us to feed ourselves and feed Baby and keep Baby quiet and all that... but there's a line. At some point, our friends will wish we could all be hanging out without real responsibilities - and at some point, no matter how much we know our parents will love this child, they won't be remotely interested in helping feed or change the baby when we're all hanging out.
Scott and I went to his parents house on Saturday morning to carve pumpkins. What in the world will I do at times like that? I was elbows-deep in pumpkin guts, and so was everyone else. We were out in the garage, and it was sort of chilly. So do we leave Baby inside with a monitor, and then when it cries, just run in and wash our hands and take care of it? I have no idea. And what about parties? Our friends like to get together around once a month at someone's house and eat and drink and listen to music and be merry. Do we find a sitter that often and exhaust our babysitting resources that early in the game? Or do we take the baby with us and stash him or her in a bedroom and go check up on it every so often?
And don't even get me started on trips. Not only does Scott's family take a road trip to their cottage in Pennsylvania every July (2 full days in the car each way with a 3 month old?! No way.), but Scott and I had big dreams of long weekends and cruises that will have to wait quite a while, now. Don't get me wrong - I'm not upset about being pregnant, not one bit. I'm just wondering if I'm even beginning to cover the bases as far as what all will be different. The short and simple answer? "Everything." - but I'm afraid I'll neglect to think of something that will change, and be disappointed when it happens and I wasn't somehow mentally prepared. There I go again - always wanting a plan in a world of things that you can not plan for.
I finally have a couple followers - thanks, girls! Please comment and send your friends here, I need all the support I can get!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Complete How-To on Parenting: The Book Kids Should Come With
The title of this entry is sort of ironic. It's exaclty what I WISH this entry could be, but instead, it's the opposite. I'm a person that likes a plan. I'm not buying anything baby related until I know the sex. I'm already looking into different parenting styles/techniquies/methods/tricks so that I can have some ideas on how to handle certain situations.
I have been told that kids are incredibly unpredictable in some ways - and that no matter what I try to map out and pin down as far as parenting, the kid will inevitably throw it off track somehow. And that kind of freaks me out.
We are both hoping that the person growing inside of me will have the same passion for music we have - and we plan on helping pass that along by playing music often (even to the baby in the womb), and just making sure our love for music is easily visible.
We've discussed using fruit in kind of a funny way - like, "clean your room or you won't get an apple after dinner!" - but the more I think about it the more I think that using food, no matter what kind, as a reward may not be the best idea.
So how do you know where to start? How do you make a plan to acheive the goals you have for yourself as a parent and for your child as the person you hope they will become? Obviously we can't (and wouldn't want to) pick and choose all the characteristics and interests of our child. But we do want him or her to have good values, and to be a loving and caring person, and to not be afraid of things. We want a kid who eats food that is good for him or her (my parents couldn't quite pass that one along to me, unfortunately - my nutrients are coming from vitamins and V8 right now). We want a kid who loves music and sports and academics and tries it all and maybe even finds something specific in each of those areas he or she excels at and enjoys. We want a kid who respects us enough to do what we say without too much of a fight, but who knows they can always come talk to us about anything. I want a kid who understands compromise and negotiation - because I love when everyone wins a little.
I wish I knew how to set a plan in order to reach these goals. I'm not even sure where to start - I mean, how do you pass along values like that to a baby you've just brought home from the hospital? It's got to be a thing they just learn over time by seeing us set the example, and by us rewarding and disciplining in ways that encourage those things. Which means we've got to be on our BEST behavior, and frankly, that's terrifying.
Some tiny person is going to be looking to ME to know how to do things, how to handle situations. I guess I should start hanging my laundry up when it comes out of the dryer instead of letting it lay around in piles until I wear it. I guess I should start cooking most nights, even when I don't feel like it, because it shows better health choices and better financial choices. I guess I should learn to like some vegetables - or least learn how to pretend I like them long enough to get my kid to like them. I guess at parties, even if we've got the most responsible babysitter in the world, I shouldn't have more than a couple small drinks - because what it my child ends up in the hospital and we have to drive there, or what if he or she is at a friend's house and just wants to come home in the middle of the night like I remember doing a few times?
Parenting seems like the biggest, scariest thing in the world and I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew HOW I could be sure to pass along those good things and hold back the bad things as long as possible. I doubt there are any real answers out there, and I know I will fail at times. But I hope I don't fail at the really important stuff - the stuff that makes my kid end up being a good person who loves other people and does the right thing. That's the singular thing that will make me a successful parent.
I have been told that kids are incredibly unpredictable in some ways - and that no matter what I try to map out and pin down as far as parenting, the kid will inevitably throw it off track somehow. And that kind of freaks me out.
We are both hoping that the person growing inside of me will have the same passion for music we have - and we plan on helping pass that along by playing music often (even to the baby in the womb), and just making sure our love for music is easily visible.
We've discussed using fruit in kind of a funny way - like, "clean your room or you won't get an apple after dinner!" - but the more I think about it the more I think that using food, no matter what kind, as a reward may not be the best idea.
So how do you know where to start? How do you make a plan to acheive the goals you have for yourself as a parent and for your child as the person you hope they will become? Obviously we can't (and wouldn't want to) pick and choose all the characteristics and interests of our child. But we do want him or her to have good values, and to be a loving and caring person, and to not be afraid of things. We want a kid who eats food that is good for him or her (my parents couldn't quite pass that one along to me, unfortunately - my nutrients are coming from vitamins and V8 right now). We want a kid who loves music and sports and academics and tries it all and maybe even finds something specific in each of those areas he or she excels at and enjoys. We want a kid who respects us enough to do what we say without too much of a fight, but who knows they can always come talk to us about anything. I want a kid who understands compromise and negotiation - because I love when everyone wins a little.
I wish I knew how to set a plan in order to reach these goals. I'm not even sure where to start - I mean, how do you pass along values like that to a baby you've just brought home from the hospital? It's got to be a thing they just learn over time by seeing us set the example, and by us rewarding and disciplining in ways that encourage those things. Which means we've got to be on our BEST behavior, and frankly, that's terrifying.
Some tiny person is going to be looking to ME to know how to do things, how to handle situations. I guess I should start hanging my laundry up when it comes out of the dryer instead of letting it lay around in piles until I wear it. I guess I should start cooking most nights, even when I don't feel like it, because it shows better health choices and better financial choices. I guess I should learn to like some vegetables - or least learn how to pretend I like them long enough to get my kid to like them. I guess at parties, even if we've got the most responsible babysitter in the world, I shouldn't have more than a couple small drinks - because what it my child ends up in the hospital and we have to drive there, or what if he or she is at a friend's house and just wants to come home in the middle of the night like I remember doing a few times?
Parenting seems like the biggest, scariest thing in the world and I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew HOW I could be sure to pass along those good things and hold back the bad things as long as possible. I doubt there are any real answers out there, and I know I will fail at times. But I hope I don't fail at the really important stuff - the stuff that makes my kid end up being a good person who loves other people and does the right thing. That's the singular thing that will make me a successful parent.
Monday, November 1, 2010
My Pregnancy - Beginning to Current
Because I'm using this venue as an outlet to whine about all the things poor Scott must be sick of and not many of my friends tend to understand, I'm going to go ahead and start.
The first trimester of my pregnancy was not too bad at all. I was extremely exhausted - took a nap every afternoon and tried to get at least 9 hours of sleep every night I had a chance. I was also pretty nauseated a LOT of the time and my sinuses have been terrible, but didn't throw up at all (unless you want to count throwing up from crying or coughing hard, which I don't, because I would have done that if I weren't pregnant). And I guess I gave myself away - I sure was a big crybaby, not to mention a little needy and unreasonable - but I feel like I'm much better about those things these days.
And then the second trimester arrived. I was imemdiately disappointed Week 12, Day 1 when I did not feel a burst of energy or a relief from the nausea, but oh well, right? Surely things would get better. So last Sunday, at 14 Weeks 1 Day, the nausea turned into actual vomit. I threw up a few times that day, the following day, and the day after. At the time, I blamed it on having a mostly empty stomach, because I waited too late to eat Sunday and then the vomiting made it hard to want to eat much the other days. But then I was okay - so long as I kept eating at the first sign of hunger. My exhaustion is easing up, I've stopped napping every afternoon (and only nap on the rare occasion now)! But then Saturday, a very busy day what with attending the World Series game and then having to dress up and go to a Halloween party, I missed a meal (or a couple snacks) and puked in the bushes at the party. Another empty stomach issue, surely.
Sunday came and went with no real problems - just a lot of resting from the big day before, which really took a toll on me. We had a lovely spinach salad and a few different kinds of pasta (already made, from the refrigerated section), with marinara and garlic breadsticks while we handed out candy to the (millions of) trick-or-treaters and watched the Rangers lose a World Series game (oops).
So this morning, I was feeling okay. I got up, showered, took a swig of water, and then immediately vomited what must have been this morning's water, some of last night's water, and some of the mucous that has inevitably drained into my stomach. (I told you my sinuses were terrible - I'm not exaggerating. I've blown my way through at least a roll and a half of toilet paper, not to mention plenty of tissues and paper towels - whatever is convenient.)
After that I was feeling alright, and now I'm at work and I'm burping like nobody's business. At least, I THINK I'm burping. To my knowledge, I've never burped (except probably when I was a baby). I've never known how, or felt the need to. But I'm assuming all these chest gurgles are burps - even though they feel like they're coming from my chest instead of my stomach and ending in my throat instead of coming out sounding like a burp. I just don't know HOW to burp... is that weird? Anyway, this burping(?) thing has been going on a lot the last couple weeks, and it's really irritating. It's just one after the other, at least 5-6 times a minute with these stupid gurgles. Luckily, today, nobody is around to hear them but me. But it's very uncomfortable, as nearly each burp(?) makes me feel like I could throw up at any moment.
Other symptoms? Nothing I feel necessary to mention or complain much about - and I think the stomach pudge is finally less bloating and more of a baby bump. Or I hope so, anyway. My stomach is starting to feel hard (which has actually been happening for weeks, but it's getting harder higher up, which I think is a good sign) and it's kind of fun to poke at, I hope Baby doesn't mind too much! Next Friday is the next (third) OB appointment and there, we will schedule the gender scan for sometime in the following couple weeks. Now, if I play my cards right and bat my eyelashes just enough, I'm hoping the doctor will schedule said scan for the day before Thanksgiving. One, we'd really like to be able to tell our family what it is in person over the holiday - and two, if it's scheduled too far before Thanksgiving Day, I probably won't be able to keep my mouth shut long enough to tell them in person!
So, there it is so far. I should get back to working and burping now.
The first trimester of my pregnancy was not too bad at all. I was extremely exhausted - took a nap every afternoon and tried to get at least 9 hours of sleep every night I had a chance. I was also pretty nauseated a LOT of the time and my sinuses have been terrible, but didn't throw up at all (unless you want to count throwing up from crying or coughing hard, which I don't, because I would have done that if I weren't pregnant). And I guess I gave myself away - I sure was a big crybaby, not to mention a little needy and unreasonable - but I feel like I'm much better about those things these days.
And then the second trimester arrived. I was imemdiately disappointed Week 12, Day 1 when I did not feel a burst of energy or a relief from the nausea, but oh well, right? Surely things would get better. So last Sunday, at 14 Weeks 1 Day, the nausea turned into actual vomit. I threw up a few times that day, the following day, and the day after. At the time, I blamed it on having a mostly empty stomach, because I waited too late to eat Sunday and then the vomiting made it hard to want to eat much the other days. But then I was okay - so long as I kept eating at the first sign of hunger. My exhaustion is easing up, I've stopped napping every afternoon (and only nap on the rare occasion now)! But then Saturday, a very busy day what with attending the World Series game and then having to dress up and go to a Halloween party, I missed a meal (or a couple snacks) and puked in the bushes at the party. Another empty stomach issue, surely.
Sunday came and went with no real problems - just a lot of resting from the big day before, which really took a toll on me. We had a lovely spinach salad and a few different kinds of pasta (already made, from the refrigerated section), with marinara and garlic breadsticks while we handed out candy to the (millions of) trick-or-treaters and watched the Rangers lose a World Series game (oops).
So this morning, I was feeling okay. I got up, showered, took a swig of water, and then immediately vomited what must have been this morning's water, some of last night's water, and some of the mucous that has inevitably drained into my stomach. (I told you my sinuses were terrible - I'm not exaggerating. I've blown my way through at least a roll and a half of toilet paper, not to mention plenty of tissues and paper towels - whatever is convenient.)
After that I was feeling alright, and now I'm at work and I'm burping like nobody's business. At least, I THINK I'm burping. To my knowledge, I've never burped (except probably when I was a baby). I've never known how, or felt the need to. But I'm assuming all these chest gurgles are burps - even though they feel like they're coming from my chest instead of my stomach and ending in my throat instead of coming out sounding like a burp. I just don't know HOW to burp... is that weird? Anyway, this burping(?) thing has been going on a lot the last couple weeks, and it's really irritating. It's just one after the other, at least 5-6 times a minute with these stupid gurgles. Luckily, today, nobody is around to hear them but me. But it's very uncomfortable, as nearly each burp(?) makes me feel like I could throw up at any moment.
Other symptoms? Nothing I feel necessary to mention or complain much about - and I think the stomach pudge is finally less bloating and more of a baby bump. Or I hope so, anyway. My stomach is starting to feel hard (which has actually been happening for weeks, but it's getting harder higher up, which I think is a good sign) and it's kind of fun to poke at, I hope Baby doesn't mind too much! Next Friday is the next (third) OB appointment and there, we will schedule the gender scan for sometime in the following couple weeks. Now, if I play my cards right and bat my eyelashes just enough, I'm hoping the doctor will schedule said scan for the day before Thanksgiving. One, we'd really like to be able to tell our family what it is in person over the holiday - and two, if it's scheduled too far before Thanksgiving Day, I probably won't be able to keep my mouth shut long enough to tell them in person!
So, there it is so far. I should get back to working and burping now.
First Blog
Well, this is my first blog ever. And as the blog title implies, I suppose now is as good a time as any. Why have I started a blog?
I want an outlet with which to talk about myself and what's going on in my life without boring friends and relatives with mundane details that I don't mind sharing here - because "Internet People" can read this if they're interested, or not if they're not.
Let's start with this. I'm 25 years old, in a great relationship with the most wonderful man alive, and 15 weeks pregnant. It was quite a surprise - Scott and I have only been together about a year, and have only lived together 5 months. So when we found out I was pregnant (after not thinking I'd EVER be pregnant due to cysts I'd been told I had on my ovaries), we knew we were in for a ride! Of course we got (and are still getting) plenty of questions about OUR relationship - and from some more conservative relatives, the questions are more like heavy suggestions. We've talked about getting married, especially since finding out I'm pregnant, but have decided that our relationship is solid and neither of us is going anywhere, so our time, energy, and money will be better spent preparing for Baby right now than planning a wedding (even at the JP Office) and buying rings. While it would be nice to share a last name on the birth certificate, it's just not as important as being as prepared for this little one as best we can financially - he or she deserves all we can give right now!
I don't mean to make this a long introduction post, but I suppose it's turning out that way. I think the true reason I want to blog is so I can moan and groan about this whole pregnancy thing - and maybe someone out there will read this and tell me that they've been there and they understand! Scott is GREAT about doing all he can to make me feel better, but we're the first of our friends to have a baby, so my girlfriends just have their sisters as a reference and our moms were pregnant so long ago they don't remember a lot of the little day to day things.
So, there's my basic story - I have a feeling I'll be making another post later today, because I tend to be really gung-ho about new things, and then I let them die off completely. Maybe I'll be different about this - maybe my pregnancy blog will turn into a mommy blog in April. We'll see...
I want an outlet with which to talk about myself and what's going on in my life without boring friends and relatives with mundane details that I don't mind sharing here - because "Internet People" can read this if they're interested, or not if they're not.
Let's start with this. I'm 25 years old, in a great relationship with the most wonderful man alive, and 15 weeks pregnant. It was quite a surprise - Scott and I have only been together about a year, and have only lived together 5 months. So when we found out I was pregnant (after not thinking I'd EVER be pregnant due to cysts I'd been told I had on my ovaries), we knew we were in for a ride! Of course we got (and are still getting) plenty of questions about OUR relationship - and from some more conservative relatives, the questions are more like heavy suggestions. We've talked about getting married, especially since finding out I'm pregnant, but have decided that our relationship is solid and neither of us is going anywhere, so our time, energy, and money will be better spent preparing for Baby right now than planning a wedding (even at the JP Office) and buying rings. While it would be nice to share a last name on the birth certificate, it's just not as important as being as prepared for this little one as best we can financially - he or she deserves all we can give right now!
I don't mean to make this a long introduction post, but I suppose it's turning out that way. I think the true reason I want to blog is so I can moan and groan about this whole pregnancy thing - and maybe someone out there will read this and tell me that they've been there and they understand! Scott is GREAT about doing all he can to make me feel better, but we're the first of our friends to have a baby, so my girlfriends just have their sisters as a reference and our moms were pregnant so long ago they don't remember a lot of the little day to day things.
So, there's my basic story - I have a feeling I'll be making another post later today, because I tend to be really gung-ho about new things, and then I let them die off completely. Maybe I'll be different about this - maybe my pregnancy blog will turn into a mommy blog in April. We'll see...
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